


I'm caught under water and I'm falling farther

by angi190



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Denial, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, I'll add more tags as i go, M/M, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Hatred, Short Chapters, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, this is dark guys, this is fucked up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-10-14 13:03:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10537008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angi190/pseuds/angi190
Summary: Josh never listens





	1. You will never know what's behind my skull

**Author's Note:**

> Another fucked up thing that I wrote to vent

His  body feels unfamiliar. It’s almost like the hot streams of water don’t quite reach his skin, because he doesn’t feel clean. He doesn’t feel anything.

That’s a lie. There’s dull ache in his entire body. His legs feel sore and his back is hurting and tired. Why can’t he feel the water ? It can’t wash away the dirt off him anyway. He’s dirty.

Josh tires to scrub his skin raw, to cleanse the sense of filth off his skin , but it’s no use. The water runs down his body and goes straight down the drain , doing nothing to relief the sense of dirtiness. He’s so dirty.

He can’t remember why he feels so dirty, why his body aches so much, why his head feels like it’s going to explode. All he knows is that he _needs_ to clean himself.

Josh rubs and rubs and rubs until his skin feels raw.  He keeps rubbing even though the soap is long since washed and the water is getting cold. How long has he been in the shower ? How did he even end up in the shower ? He doesn’t remember.

When the water stops running he feels lost. He’s not clean, why can’t he feel clean ?  _Inside. He needs to feel clean inside_.

Josh pukes , the vomit hitting the wall in front of him and he watches it slide down. His head spins, body aches, lungs heave, eyes burn with tears. He throws up again, this time into the sink that’s right next to him.  His stomach twists with disgust , but it’s not the smell or the vomit itself that makes him sick. _He’s sick of himself. Sick from what happened._ But what happened ? Josh doesn’t remember.

His body remembers thought. It hurts and burns and aches in ways it never ached before.  Fucking alcohol. Josh shouldn’t have drank so much. He should’ve listened to Tyler and stopped drinking when his head started spinning. He should’ve listened.

Josh never listens.

His legs hurt when he moves to snatch the towel and looking down he sees bruises. On his thighs, on his hips, on his sides. Blue, purple, black, brown. He’s painted in them.

The towel can’t quite muffle the strangled wail he lets out.

He needs to take another shower. He needs to wash the evidence off his skin before someone else saw it.

Shaking and coughing, Josh turns around and lets the water pour on him again. He scrubs and scrubs and scrubs, but the bruises are still there.  The feeling of hands on his skin are still there.  No, he doesn’t remember what happened, he doesn’t , he doesn’t.

Oh but _he does._


	2. You will never know what's under my skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yikes

He’s shaking violently when he finally emerges out of the bathroom . He’s wrapped in a bunch of towels so that his entire body is hidden. Nobody can see the bruises on his skin. What if Tyler comes in ? No, he needs to hide the evidence of what happened.

What happened _? No, nothing happened._

Josh rubs his face and finds it hurting just like the rest of his body.  There were no bruises when he looked at himself in the mirror, but the skin is tender and stings when he touches it.

Slapped _.  Someone slapped him when he said **no** and tried to pull away. The same cheek was slapped again when he asked them to stop. “ Shut up bitch and get down on your knees” ._

Josh bites the towel that rests on his shoulders and squeezes his jaw as hard as he can. _That_ didn’t happen. Nothing happened. _Nothing._

The alcohol is evaporating and leaving him with no defense. He can’t forget when his mind is clear. He can’t pretend that nothing happened without something to cloud his mind.

Walking hurts. Josh stumbles into a pile of clothes lying carelessly on the ground and the need to puke comes back full force.  There’s blood. It’s on his jeans, underwear, even the carpet is stained with it. Where did all of that blood come from ?

Instinctively Josh looks down and sees a fresh tickle of crimson water running down his right leg just below the towel. Fuck. Oh fuck. 

Josh limps to his suitcase and kneels down beside it, because bending down is absolute hell on his back.  There has to be some kind of comfortable clothes inside right? All he finds is skinny jeans and tight pants. He needs something loose and soft. He _can’t_ put jeans on those bruises.

There’s a pair of shorts that are relatively loose, but he can’t wear those. His legs are bruised all over.  Thighs. He’ll just wear thighs underneath and tell Tyler he’s cold.

Putting anything on is painful . Moving, bending, stretching it all hurts.  Josh takes it slowly , until all of his bruised skin is covered. Thighs, long sleeves, sweatshirt that zips all the way to his chin. He can’t let anyone see what’s underneath.

When he’s all dressed, Josh drags himself to the bathroom where the pile of bloodied clothes is laying and scoops those up.  They reek of blood and semen.

 

Josh takes the few steps towards the bathroom sink and throws up. He wants all of this nightmare to end. He wants to forget.

 

He throws the clothes away in one of the hotel room’s bins and piles other stuff on top so it won’t be too obvious.  The metallic smell keeps chasing him everywhere, making his skin crawl , burn and itch.

 

The bed is cold when Josh lies down and tries to find a comfortable position to settle down. There’s no such thing as a comfortable position.  

 

His body shakes, too wound up to stand still.  The blood on his legs is now caked and dry, pulling on his hair painfully. It reminds him of what he’s trying to forget. Why he bleeds. Why he hurts. Why he feels ashamed and humiliated.

 

Nobody made him drink. Nobody dragged him to that bloody bar , nobody forced him to get pissed there. 

 

Maybe he even agreed to whatever happened after he got too drunk to know what he’s doing.  Maybe he said yes. Maybe he wasn’t forced.

 

_“Please “_  Josh hears himself plead and wishes he had alcohol to drown out the pain he feels when he hears his own desperate pleading. _“Don’t, please don’t “_ it rings in his head and sounds too real to be an illusion.

He didn’t want it. He didn’t want any of it. He was too drunk to defend himself and now he’s too sober to forgive himself. He needs alcohol.

 

Moving around is painful  , but remembering last night’s events is more painful so Josh finds his mini bar and rummages through it until he finds the bottle of wine. It’s not as strong as he wishes it was, but it’ll do.

He’ll probably regret it in the morning when they have rehearsals and even more so in the evening when they have a show to play.  

 

But then again there are a lot of things Josh regrets at the moment so he adds getting drunk yet again to that list. It feels good to forget again. It feels so good not to remember or feel, or think.  

He drinks until he passes out with a bottle of wine in one hand and the other one fisted tightly around the sheet of his bed, feeling like he’ll float away if he lets go.

 

He throws up again before everything turns black and quiet.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More detailed flashbacks will occur in the next few chapters, just heads up. 
> 
> This is just me venting.


	3. You will never know what is in my veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes

In the morning, Josh wakes up in agony. There’s no other word to describe what he feels. If he was sore when he came back to the hotel last night, it’s 10 times worse in the morning. 

He moans, trying to move his limbs without causing himself a tremendous amount of pain, but it doesn’t work. His legs ache, especially his inner thighs and the tender flesh at the back. It’s not just skin that hurts, his muscles are sore and aching too.

And his head, oh , his head is about to split apart. He really shouldn’t have drunk that wine last night.  The bottle lay empty next to him in bed and Josh covers it with his blanket.

He feels sick. From the alcohol, from his utterly pathetic state, from what he did to himself out of sheer stupidity. He probably deserves the pain , but everything hurts so bad he wishes it would stop at least for a moment so he can catch his breath.

His phone rings and makes him flinch. It’s Tyler. Fuck.

“ Morning Josh “ his familiar voice rings through the speaker “ You up ? “

“ I’m  not feeling well “ Josh says and hears for the first time how shot and hoarse his voice sounds. His throat is sore as well, like he’s been shouting all night.

“ Oh “ Tyler sounds worried “ I’ll come up to see how you’re doing then”

“ No, you don’t have to “ Josh rushes to say, but Tyler puffs into the receiver

“ Don’t be silly. I’ll be there in a minute “ and hangs up.

Literally a minute later a knock comes from the door.

“ Josh , it’s me . Open up, the door is locked “

“ I – I can’t. I don’t feel well “ Josh tries to say louder so that Tyler can hear him, but it comes out squeaky and not sounding like him

“ You’re that sick ?  Okay, I’ll go ask for a spare key, hang on “ Tyler leaves , not waiting for Josh to answer.

Josh panics for a moment, looking around for any clues that might tell his friend what happened last night. He threw away the bloody clothes and put the wet towels on their spot to hide the blood on the carpet. He’s wrapped in a blanket and dressed well to hide the bruises. Tyler shouldn’t be able to tell. Josh is just sick, that’s all.

A moment later a worried looking Tyler enters his room and goes straight to his bed.

“ Woah dude , you really don’t look too well “  Tyler creases his brows and sits down. “ Are you sure it’s not just hangover from last night ? How much did you drink after I left ? “ that’s a difficult question. Josh doesn’t remember.

“I don’t know, a couple of shots “ Josh says with his raspy voice.

“ You don’t sound well either. Let me see if you have fever “ Tyler says and reaches out to touch Josh’s forehead. That’s when Josh freaks out.

He pulls back so quickly it brings pain from all sides – his head explodes, his back protests, muscles everywhere scream from the pain. Josh doesn’t know why he pulled away like that, but the look on Tyler’s face tells him it was just as shocking for him too.

“ I was just … I was just going to check your temperature “ Tyler says , stumbling over his words “ Josh , tell me what’s wrong . Did something happen when I left last night ? “ Josh shakes his head as fast as he can and feels his gut twists with fear. Tyler can’t find out.

“ I… I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me “ he apologizes and relaxes back against the pillow, because his head just hurts too much “ I just feel sick, that’s all. Probably caught the flue or something “ he knows that he sounds unconvincing, but Tyler doesn’t push any further.

“ Okay, all right. Why don’t you just stay in bed and I’ll go get you some meds, okay ? Or I can take you to the hospital if you feel up to it “

“No, no need of hospitals. Meds are just fine. “

“ I’ll be right back “

Why can’t he just admit to Tyler what happened and let his best friend help ? They have been friends for what seems like ages and Josh has never had any problem admitting stuff to Tyler. This though … he can’t even think about what happened, let alone say it out loud. He’s too ashamed and scared to talk.

Josh falls asleep briefly and wakes up when Tyler comes back.

“ Here, I’ve got you some medicine. There are some painkillers too “ Bless Tyler , because Josh really needs those right now.

“ Thanks, Ty. “ Josh takes the meds and a bottle of water.

“ We should probably cancel the show tonight. You’re not in shape to play right now .”

“ No, I’ll be fine to play. I’ll just have some rest and I’ll be fine “ Josh says, knowing it’s not true and all the rest in the world can’t help him at the moment. But he doesn’t want to ruin things for their fans and canceling the long awaited show will mean a lot of upset people. He’d done enough damage already. They can’t cancel the show because of him.

“ I promise. Okay ? You can go rehearse without me and I’ll come straight for the show later “  Tyler nods and pats Josh’s hand.

“ Okay. Just get some rest and call me if you need anything “

“ Okay “

Tyler leaves. Josh feels empty and cold, no matter how many blankets he wraps himself in.  Being sober is terrible. It leaves room for thinking, remembering, all of the things Josh doesn’t want to do.

It all comes back to him in waves. Drinking at the bar, dancing, drinking some more, then feeling sick. 

_“ Yo, dude you don’t seem too well. Do you need help going to the bathroom? “  the guy with the beard and curly hair asks him, but all he can do is shake his head. His brain is slow and his legs tangle together like ribbons. He’s aware of himself, but his body just won’t work properly.  Forming words takes too much effort and seems too complicated for his alcohol –clouded mind._

_“ mm’fine “ he slurs, but his body disagrees and he slumps to one side, propping his shoulder on the wall. He’s way too drunk. He shouldn’t have drunk those last 3 shots. Tyler was right. Where’s Tyler ? Probably gone. Josh should leave too.  “ I’ll just g-go “ he makes an attempt to form a coherent sentence , but it comes out sloppy._

_“ No, I can’t just leave you here like this. Come on, I’ll help you get to the bathroom “ the man insists and wraps his hand around Josh’s waist, leaning the drummer on him._

_He’s way too drunk. Everything around him is a blur. Where are they ? Is this even a bathroom ? Josh doesn’t know. His head spins, eyes blur, gut twist. Why did he drink so much ?_

_He’s being pushed through a door , then another, until the fresh air hits his nose._

_“ A-ar-re we outsside  ? “ he blurts out in confusion. Instead of an answer someone slaps him._

_“ Hey, don’t hit him too hard, I want him awake for this “ someone’s voice comes from behind , but Josh is still to bewildered by the slap to comprehend what was just being said._

_“ He’s barely awake anyway. Couldn’t you find someone conscious? I don’t want him throwing up all over my dick when he sucks it “ laughter. Chattering. What are they talking about?_

_Josh makes an attempt to move, but instead he’s being pushed down until his knees hit the ground. He can’t keep his balance on his knees so he sits on his ass, like a rag doll , with limbs too heavy and head too clouded._

_„ Iwannagohome “ Josh tries to say , but it’s very unlikely anyone can understand what he’s saying “ Pwease “_

_Someone grabs him by the hair and drags him forward, making Josh yelp and squirm. Why are they dragging him around like this ? Don’t they realize it’s hurting him ?_

_Everything spins and moves in and out of focus.  Josh raises his hands to try and get out of the grip on his hair but what he gets in return is a kick to his back._

_This sobers him up a little, because the pain is awful and he’s beginning to get really frightened.  Another kick to his side and Josh starts trashing and feels his hair being nearly ripped out of his skull._

_He struggles for a bit, but realizes two things: 1 – he’s still too drunk and uncoordinated to protect himself and 2 – there are way too many people against him. He’s outnumbered and alone , dragged to some kind of dark alley behind the club and beaten._

_“Please let me go “ Josh begs while someone drags him by the hair and neck towards himself “ I won’t tell anyone, I just want to go home “_

_Another powerful kick to his right hip silences him. He yelps and shrinks in on himself , feeling utterly helpless._

_Begging is useless, just like fighting back. Helplessness overcome his every sense and mixed with alcohol it forces tears out of his eyes.  One person is holding him while three others surround him from each side. He’s trapped and helpless on his knees._

_A zipper is being pulled down and Josh closes his eyes. This is it. He’s about to get raped_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will contain some more flashbacks that contain kind of graphic description of a non-con scene. Or a bunch of those. Yikes.


	4. My heart's getting harder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Behind my eyelids are islands of violence

He’s in so much pain there’s no way he can stand it. It’s difficult to separate one pain from another, but everything hurts. And it only gets worse as time goes by.

The bruises on his legs are hurting no matter how he lies down or sits and his back is terribly sore too.  The blood that was leaking from in between his legs has stopped at some point during the day, but Josh is too scared to take a look and access the damage. Everything inside hurts and feels wrong and misplaced. Whatever was done to him , it turned him inside out.

The thought of _what happened_ makes him want to throw up. He promised himself not to think about it. He promised himself he’ll forget and move on.  _If only the pain could go away_.

It doesn’t though. It all hurts and burns and twists until Josh can’t fucking stand it anymore. He needs something to numb the pain from the inside and out and the only way not to feel is to disconnect from reality and just not be able to think.

The only problem Is he can’t drink, not before the show. Tyler will definitely notice and if he goes on stage drunk he could jeopardize the band’s entire future. He can’t drink.

But the need to get rid of the pain pushes him towards something else , something he never really tried but  knows it helps when you want to forget something. He has a friend who has a friend that can get him something like that. Pills or powder, Josh simply doesn’t care as long as it helps him forget and rids him of the terrible pain.

He dials the phone with shaking hands and carries the conversation with shaking voice. He needs something strong, but not too strong. He doesn’t want to get himself knocked out , but he needs to get away. His friend’s friend knows what Josh needs.

A couple of knocks on the door later, Josh has a small package of pills.   _Take one if you need to feel more energetic and less anxious. Two If you want to stop feeling anything and not fall asleep for a long time. Three if you need to get so high you’ll forget where you are or what’s going on around you. Four is too much, don’t take four._

Josh swallows one dry and lays back down, waiting for the little white pill to work. His body can’t relax, nor his mind.  Laying hurts. Breathing hurts. Thinking hurts. He’s one huge pile of hurt.

Fifteen minutes pass before he starts feeling somewhat hazy and relaxed. His body starts feeling light and fuzzy, the pain slowly turning to soft buzzing ache. It’s more bearable like this, even though getting up and walking still hurts. At least he’s not bleeding anymore.

He finds the bathroom and steps inside, pulling his clothes off carefully.  He doesn’t look down at his body and stares at the blank wall in front of him.  The water doesn’t quite reach his skin. It sounds like rain , whispering soft words to Josh’s ear , promising him rainbows and flowers. 

Closing his eyes Josh lets the world spin around him and the water wash over the skin he can’t quite feel.  Maybe if he takes enough showers flowers will grow where bruises are painting his skin in a rainbow of colors.

Time flies in strange patterns. One moment he’s in the shower and the next one he’s in his room , staring at his bag. He needs to get dressed here so he won’t have to change at the venue.

Leggings, shorts, shirt and a long sleeved t-shirt. He puts them all on and ignores the aching in his joints.  His mind is somewhere else, too busy thinking about gardens and colors to pay too much mind to the pain. 

Josh likes feeling fuzzy and light headed.  He takes a couple more pills and slips them in the pocket of his shorts. Just in case he tells himself.

A cab is already waiting for him outside when he steps out of the hotel. He gets in and fumbles with words and syllables, trying to explain where he wants to go. The drive could’ve been long, but Josh doesn’t feel it. He doesn’t really feel anything.

Tyler is waiting for him in the dressing room , smiling but looking concerned and a bit apprehensive.

“ Hey Josh. How do you feel ? Are you feeling better ? “

“ Yeah “ Josh nods and manages a smile “ I’m okay “

“ You still look pretty pale “ Tyler notes and gestures towards a big bawl of fruits “ I’ve got you some fruits and vitamins “ he smiles and turns towards the mirror to finish up his black dye.

“ Thanks “ Josh says , but he doesn’t quite feel anything. He’s not hungry , just void.

“ Are you going to do your make up ? “ Tyler asks after a minute of silence where Josh just stands there and doesn’t move.

“ Oh “ Josh stares at his own table with make-up “ Right “  he says and stumbles over to the chair and sits down. There’s red make up and Josh dips his fingers inside the paint and freezes. It looks like blood. _Dark , red and dripping down his legs, making them slippery and wet._

“ C-can I skip the make up today ? “ Josh asks with shaky voice and sits back, overwhelmed by the smell of blood that all of a sudden invades his senses. Its metallic scent fills his nose and makes him want to throw up.

_The asphalt in front of him is dark and stained with wetness. His nose is bleeding. He smells blood. Someone twists his hands behind his back and ties them with something hard and cold while he’s still too stunned by the hit to react. Someone pushes a cloth into his mouth and ties it at the back of his head into a tight knot. His knees hurt from the hard asphalt underneath them._

_“ I want to be the first one to fuck him, I was the one who found him after all. I deserve to go first “ one of the men states and nobody objects. Josh shakes his head and quietly screams into the gag that is now wet with blood that keeps dripping from his nose. It smells like blood. Josh is scared he’s going to die._

_His jeans and underwear are being dragged down at once and Josh starts sobbing and rubbing his hands raw in the tight metal binds. Nobody can hear him though. Nobody can stop the blood from dripping out of his nose and nobody can remove the bruising hands from his hips. Scream and cry is all he can do now._

 

“ Sure , man. If you don’t want to wear it, then don’t “ Tyler says , but it sounds distant and unfamiliar.  Josh simply nods and wipes his stained finger on his red shorts. Nobody will notice anyway.

“ You seem very pale. Is everything alright ? Why are you shaking ? “ Tyler is crouching next to him , looking seriously worried. Josh would’ve said something convincing like everything ‘s okay and he’s just sick , but all he can do is nod and try not to feel the metallic scent that fills his nostrils.

“ We should go “ Josh mumbles and looks around, trying to concentrate “ I can do it. I can do it “ he repeats it and wipes his face with both hands. There’s no blood on them. He’s okay . He can do it. He can do it.

They are being called on stage and Josh manages to get up and force his legs to move. They ache and burn, but it’s bearable. He can walk. He can perform. He can do it. He can do it.

Tyler supports him while they make their way towards the stage and asks him a couple more times if he’s okay.

“I can do it “ Josh repeats again as the beginning notes of their fists song start to sound from the stage.

“ Okay. Okay, Josh. Just let me know if you need a break , okay ? Give me a sign and we’ll stop” Tyler squeezes his neck and Josh twists out of his grip, because it reminds him of blood and pain and fear.

“ Let’s go “ Josh mumbles and climbs the stage on shaky legs, leaving a very worried Tyler behind him. He can do it. He can climb the stage and play his set without messing up. He can be strong and pull through this for the sake of their band’s future. He can do it. He can do it.

Only he can’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been feeling very well these days. I fight depression by writing stuff that usually turn out sad and fucked up. Oh well.


	5. He pretends that he's OK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think one of my tags was " short chapters" which is bullshit because I can't write short chapters

The crowd is roaring and the music is so loud Josh can’t hear is own thoughts. Lights blind him , the air suffocates him and he’s sweating so much in his long sleeved t-shirt it’s soaking wet in no time.

He tries to drum, but his arms are made of jelly.  His beats come out weak and uncoordinated no matter how hard he tries, because he can’t hear what he’s playing. All he can hear is roar, thunder of voices and screams and music that’s way too loud. 

His head spins and everything in front of him blurs. His breathing is so labored he could be hyperventilating, but Josh isn’t aware enough of himself to actually know. All he knows is that he’s feeling sick and so exhausted he might fall any moment.

Tyler has picked up on that because he appears in front of Josh in between two songs and says something that doesn’t reach his ears. Josh simply nods and waves him off.  He can do this.

The next song starts and Tyler is turned towards him with a perplexed expression the whole time.  Josh must look as terrible as he feels, judging by his friend’s worried gaze. He tries to pull his shit together and remember how the beat went, but nothing comes.

He hits the cymbals in front of him in anger and frustration, taking it all out in them. The earpiece is long since gone out of his ear so essentially he has no clue what he’s doing. He beats and beats and beats until the overwhelming feeling of nausea knocks him off his chair and onto the ground.

The song keeps going somewhere on the background while Josh stays on his hands and knees and vomits all over the stage next to his drums. Soon enough the music stops and he’s surrounded by people.

They are touching him. Josh panics and starts batting hands off himself, because it reminds him of being trapped and helpless.  It reminds him of being violated and degraded.

“ Leave me alone “ he screams and pulls away from anyone who tries to touch him “ Don’t touch me,  don’t touch me “ he wants to vomit some more , but he can’t. There isn’t anything left to throw up.

“ Josh come on, let me help you go backstage “ Tyler’s pleading voice sounds somewhere close, but Josh doesn’t want to be touched even by him.

“ Don’t touch me , please , don’t touch me “ his voice sounds like it belongs to someone completely rabid.

He makes an attempt to stand, but falls down and grabs onto the drum set for support. More hands try to grab him as well, but he screams and they leave him alone.

Somehow, through the fog in his brain and the weakness in his body, Josh manages to scramble off stage and half crawl-half run towards their dressing room. He shuts the door closed and stumbles around the room to find the bathroom and the showers, locking the door after himself. 

When he’s finally alone and it’s quiet he falls down to the ground and bowls his heart out. His sobs are probably heard from outside and if he wasn’t high on whatever drug he took before the show he would probably worry about Tyler hearing him , but right now he just doesn’t care.

He cries until his throat is sore and there are no more tears to cry. He throws up some more and finds the strength to pull off the long sleeved hoodie that almost gave him a heatstroke back on stage.

He drags himself towards the shower and taps the cold water on. It pours on him in icy sheets and makes him shake in no time. What is he doing to himself? Why can’t he just face the fact that he was raped and move on? All he does is make things worse, because now everyone will worry about him. He shouldn’t have hid, he shouldn’t have gotten high and he definitely shouldn’t have lied to Tyler. 

He sits there under the freezing water until his mind becomes a little bit clearer. His clothes are dripping wet and when he finally starts feeling normally again he realizes he’s terribly cold.

Turning the water off, Josh stands up on shaky feet and moves out of the shower area. He leaves a wet trail after himself, but stops in the middle of the dressing room having no clue where to go or what to do. He almost passed out on stage, threw up and screamed at everyone to leave him alone and then ran off. Everyone is probably pissed at him and he’s embarrassed, so embarrassed.

Mark knocks on the dressing room door a couple of times and asks if Josh is okay, but he doesn’t answer. He’s not okay. He’s so far from okay it’s even hard to believe he has ever been okay.

About an hour later Tyler’s voice comes from the other side of the door.

“ Everyone left “ he says and Josh sighs with relief. He’s so embarrassed he wouldn’t want to face anyone else at the moment.  “ You can unlock the door if you want to. I’ll wait out here until you’re ready okay ? “

Josh feels so bad about his outburst and the fact that he totally ruined the show he doesn’t think he can look at Tyler in the eye. His best friend doesn’t deserve this. He deserves someone better, someone’s who’s not a complete waste like Josh.

He manages to find the strength to get up from his spot on the ground and unlock the door. His body hurts now a lot more than hours ago when he took the pill and walking makes him wince and grit his teeth.

Tyler looks tired and his eyes are red-rimmed which makes Josh’s heart hurt.

“ I’m sorry I freaked out like that “ Josh says with badly cracking voice

“ It’s okay “ Tyler reassures him with a smile “ Are you doing better now? What happened back there ? “

“ Yeah, much better “ Josh lies and smiles, avoiding Tyler’s eyes “ I think I had some kind of anxiety attack “

“ Dude, you scared the shit out of me“ Tyler says and shakes his head “ I shouldn’t have let you play this show. You’ve been looking sick since this morning. Pretty stupid of me “

“ No, it’s not your fault.  I guess the nerves took the best of me and I freaked out “  Josh says and tries to breathe through the panic that slowly rises in his throat. He wants to tell Tyler what happened, because this thing weights down on him like lead, but he’s too scared and ashamed to admit it. How will Tyler look at him if he knew the truth ? He’d probably have the impulse to wash his hands every time he had to touch Josh.

“ Did I ruin everything ? At the concert I mean “ Josh dares to ask, because he’s honestly scared that he messed things up for their band.

“ No, we told the crowd you’ve been playing sick and they understood. Actually everyone is sending you hugs and a speedy recovery “ Tyler says and creases his brows “ Are your clothes wet ? “ Josh has completely forgotten about the shower he took with his clothes on.

“ Oh, sorry “ Josh apologizes and feels self-conscious. What if Tyler can see something through the wet clothes?  “ Could you fetch me something dry ? I guess I sweat too much during the show”

“ Okay “ Tyler nods and pats Josh’s shoulder. “ Just don’t lock the door again okay ? “ He jokes, but it doesn’t sound like he’s entirely joking. Josh nods.

That was close. 

Josh takes a seat at the sofa and buries his head in both hands. His back hurts and the back of his thighs feel raw and painful. There must be some kind of wounds there, because it doesn’t feel like bruises.

Maybe he should go see a doctor. What if there’s something seriously wrong with him ? What If someone was sick or had some kind of STD ? What if Josh is sick now too ?

He closes his eyes and tries to will himself not to cry. Tyler will be back soon and he can’t let his friend see him like this. He can’t fall apart right now.

Tyler comes back shortly with a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that looks pretty soft. He puts the clothes besides Josh and nods towards them.

“ I found these in my bag. I think these sweatpants are actually yours  “he smiles “  You can change and I’ll wait for you outside, okay ? “

Josh nods and smiles, still avoiding Tyler’s gaze. It’s probably suspicious , but he just can’t force himself to maintain eye contact.

“Thanks , Ty. I won’t take too long “

“ It’s fine, take your time. My phone’s on me , so you can call me if you need anything “  Tyler says and puts a snapback on Josh’s head and smiles.  Josh truly has the best friend in the world.

So why is it so difficult sharing the accident with him ? Why can’t he just get over himself and his embarrassment and just _say it_ ?

“ Ty  ?”  he says weakly when Tyler turns to leave and makes the singer turn around and look at him with worry.

“ Yeah ? “  Josh opens his mouth to say something, to try and explain why he’s so edgy and jumpy and why he looks like he’s about to fall apart any moment, but every single world is lost on its way out.

_I was attacked and sexually abused._

_I was raped._

_I was beaten._

_I’m in so much pain I want to die._

_I feel so ashamed I don’t think I can live with myself after this._

_Please help me._

Josh can’t say either of these things , but they ring in his head until he can’t hear anything else. Tyler looks at him , waiting for Josh to say something, but he’s suddenly mute and unable to form a coherent word.

“ Thanks “ is all Josh can muster. Tyler’s face falls slightly , because maybe he was expecting something else, something that would explain why Josh acts so weird all of a sudden.

“ Don’t worry about it bro “ he says and smiles, shutting the door behind him and leaving Josh wishing he was stronger.

He’s not strong though. If he was, he wouldn’t take another pill from the pocket of his shorts and spend the rest of the night avoiding the pain instead of facing it.  He wouldn’t be high again, wouldn’t live in denial and fear. If Josh was strong he wouldn’t give up.

He’s not strong though.

He’s not strong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this solely to vent, but knowing what you guys feel after reading this would mean a lot too.
> 
> Stay safe guys |-/ Stay alive


	6. My decision for living isn' t mine to decide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dark and it's only getting darker.
> 
> Plenty of triggers in this chapter so read carefully.

The pain leaves his body as time passes, but instead of leaving it moves to his head and finds home there. The bruises fade and Josh often finds himself poking into them, chasing desperately the rush of pain as if it's going to numb the other kind of pain that's nestled deep in his chest.

  
Sometimes it works though. Digging something sharp into his skin, burning it with something hot, scratching it with sharp objects. It stops his skin from crawling for a while, stops his mind from reeling and moves his attention elsewhere.

  
Drumming does that too, but Josh has to hit his drums twice as hard as he used to in order to get out of his head. Tyler notices that, he notices it durning their rehearsals and after their shows. He gives Josh gentle words , asking if he's okay, asking if he needs to talk , if Tyler can do anything for him and it's always a no. He's not okay, he can't talk and nobody can help him, unless they can turn back time and undo what was done to him.  
As time passes Josh remembers more and more. Memories come back to him in his sleep in the form of nightmares, terrible realistic nightmares he often wakes up from with tears on his face and pillow.

  
He's haunted during the day too, when he hears a voice resembling his attacker's timbre or sees someone else with a bruise or a cut.

  
Even during shows, when Josh gets out of his own head for a while and looks into the crowd he sees eyes, noses, foreheads that remind him of the people who attacked him. He was way too drunk back then to remember how they looked and he'll probably never be able to recognize them, but small details that resemble theirs throw him into panic.  
The tour that's supposed to be the time of his life turns into turture. He has to spend all of his time around people and pretend he'

s okay around them. He often has to simulate sickness , just to find an excuse to bury himself in bed and not face anyone for days.

  
He spends his days off in bed as well, or wonders off somewhere he can be alone. The guilt from lying to Tyler and avoiding him makes him hurt even more. His best friend barely talks to him anymore and it's all Josh's fault. He avoids talking and always finds an excuse to run away whenever Tyler asks him if he's okay.

  
Josh finds salvation in drugs when being sober gets too much. He can't drink , because that would be too obvious , so he tries all kinds of drugs and finds one that doesn't mess him up too much. The small pills make him feel light and free, shutting down the part of his brain that pulses with pain. They help him relax and sleep without having nightmares. They are now his best friend.

  
It all comes with a cost though. When he falls asleep , he sleeps for 15 hours straight and wakes up with stomach cramps and tremors. His apetite is gone , so Josh doesn't eat for days, until feeding becomes something he has to do. He doesn't enjoy food anymore. He doesn't enjoy anything anymore. His life turns into something colorless, blunt and mindless.

  
He loses weight , track of time and soon parts of his mind. He loses. He's loser. He's undone, incomplete, broken.

  
The final day of the tour is a celebration that Josh doesn't paricipate in. Everyone is happy, excited , thrilled by how sucessful the tour was and the drummer smiles on autopilot, takes more pills to unattatch from reality and laughs when everyone else laughs.

  
Deep inside though he can't wait to get out, get away , go somewhere nobody can see him and just breathe for a while. Where he doesn't have to pretend he's okay when he hates everything about himself.  
Pill after pill after pill, he runs through the day , barely remembering anything from it. Meeting fans, doing interviews, playing a show, going out to celebrate , he does everything on autopilot. By the end of the evening he has taken so many pills nothing makes sense anymore.

  
Everything is bright. Objects shine with a weird kind of light that makes Josh squint. The ground is soft underneath his feet and they sink in, swallowed by it. He stumbles and trips , his friends asking if he's drunk and wants to go lie down.

  
"Yeah "Josh lies and feels Tyler's hands wrap underneath his armpits.

  
"Do you want me to take you to the bathroom ? Are you going to be sick ? " his friend asks with worry in his voice and Josh nods, simply because he can't really form any familiar word at the moment.

  
He's being lead to the bathroom and suddenly Josh's brain flashes with memories. _He's being lead to what he thinks is the bathroom ,but actually ends up outside on the street. He's being slapped, hit, dragged, spit at. He asks for help and someone laughs at him, slapping him again. Nobody helps him. Nobody hears him scream when his clothes are ripped off his body. Nobody stops when he begs them to. If they don't stop he's going to die for sure. He's going to die._

  
"Are you taking me outisde too ? " Josh mumbles to himself , trying not to be swallowed by the ground that keeps morphing into black abyss.

  
"What ? No, we're going to the bathroom " Tyler says and Josh feels like his insides are about to pour out of his opened mouth while he pants.

  
"That's where they took m-me " he stumbles over his words and over his feet.

  
"Who took you ? Where ? "

" They said we were going to the bathroom. Like you, you said that's where we're going " his tongue tangles and the words come out sounding weird. It might as well not even be his voice.

  
" We are in the bathroom "Tyler says and Josh tries to squint through the shining light that hurts his eyes.

  
" They said I wasn't going to go home " Josh whispers when Tyler carefully lowers him down to sit on the ground, because he can't stand.

  
" Josh, you're scaring me, man. What happened ? Who told you this ? " Tyler holds both of his shoulders and tells him something esle, but Josh doesn't hear it. He leans forward and throws up.

  
The light is absolutely blinding now, shining from the tiles underneath him and the walls around him. When Josh raises one hand and looks at it , there are rays of light trying to break his skin and escape his body. That light, that unbearable brightness , it's not around him or underneath him. It's inside. It presses on the inside of his skin, against his bones, yearning to shatter him. A voice inside of him whispers _you are light_ and Josh feels like holding it inside hurts too much. He needs to let it out. He needs to let the light escape his body before it shatters him in pieces.

  
It could be minutes or hours later, he's in his bed and the room is dark besides the light that pours out of him. Josh is in his bed, but he stumbles out of it , zigzagging towards the kitchen. The unbearable ache in his chest almost suffocates him. His skin is stretched so tightly it feels like his bones will cut right through it _. You're light , Josh. Let the light out. Let the light out._

  
Knife. It's in his hands that shake uncontrolably. _Let the light out._

  
The light pours through his veins and drips down to the ground. It's finally out. He's finally free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just venting and stuff


	7. Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm fucking sad and fucking angry so this is a sad and angry chapter

The pain seems to slowly subside, replaced by the fog of drugs and alcohol. Josh likes it at first, because anything is better than the pain and shame he feels when he’s sober, but as the tour rolls by and time passes it’s getting harder and harder to quiet the beast inside.  It takes more drugs, more glasses of whiskey and cans of beer to help him hurt less and feel more alive.  Touring is crazy, traveling from city to city and having no time to sit down and take it all in. Josh relishes in that, making up excuses for his crazy and irrational behavior in their tough schedule.  It seems to work for a while , because nobody asks too many questions when he goes to bed early and says he’s tried, in order to get high in peace in quiet. Nobody asks too much about the terrible dark circles underneath his eyes, but when they do , Josh says he’s not getting enough sleep and he’s just very tired. Tyler looks at him with worry, trying to find another reason in his friend’s exhausted eyes that would explain his deteriorating looks , but can’t seem to find one.  Josh does his best to look normal and act normal and stays as sober as he can during the day. 

 

Staying sober during the day soon turns into torture. He sees his abuser‘s faces in the crowd, hears sounds that remind him of the horror he went through that night and experiences flashbacks that leave him not functioning for hours. Nothing eases the pain, listening to music doesn’t help, playing music doesn’t either. Josh craves, every minute, every second of his day to take a hit, to take a sip , anything, just anything.

Josh doesn’t look at himself in the mirror anymore. He walks right past every mirrored surface , pretending like he doesn’t see the ghost of himself in the reflection. He pretends he’s okay. He’s just tired from touring and lack of sleep. There’s nothing to worry about. He’s doing just fine. He’s okay.

That’s bullshit and Josh knows it oh so well.

As soon as night falls, he’s locked in the bathroom of his hotel room , with a needle in one hand and a glass of _something_  in his other. He’s shaking all over, the cold sweat tickling down his neck and temples. He’s been holding it together all day, staying clean and sober for the run of interviews, but now. … now he can finally be free. Taking meth seems to be the only way he feels somewhat free these days.  It gives him a rush and makes him feel something other than the pain he’s stranded in while being sober.

He doesn’t want to think about the pain and the fear and the downfall of the last couple of months. He wants to distract himself from reality and enjoy the heavenly feeling of levitating only the drugs can give him.  The fear drains out of his veins when the needle containing crystal meth pierces his skin and releases its contents into his bloodstream. Sighing, Josh closes his eyes and lets the feeling of pure euphoria take over.

In the beginning, when he started using , he got so high so quickly it was almost overwhelming. As someone who has never taken drugs he felt their effect almost right away and it lasted for almost half an hour.  That half an hour was all he lived for , all he thought of every minute of every day.  As time went by he needed more and more meth to get high and the initial high would last less and less. After two months on meth , Josh is so used to it , he needs double the dose compared to what he needed in the beginning.  It’s terrifying, but he  is way more terrified by the idea of being sober , so he takes more and more and more until he can’t stop taking it.

The bathroom tiles disappear from underneath him and turn into clouds. He’s as light as a feather, flying high above all the pain and blame that surrounds him. There’s no up or down, no direction , no sense of presence or existence. Just soft clouds and the weightless feeling of being absolutely fucking high.

“ Josh “ someone calls his name, the word followed by a loud bang that startles the confused drummer “ Josh, open the door, goddamn it ! “  whoever is calling his name is angry and now Josh is scared, crawling to the far corner of the room he’s stuck in and curls up on himself. His skin is itching and crawling with disgust.  Why can’t just everyone leave him the hell alone ? 

“ Josh, come on ! You’ve been in there for hours man, just say something okay ?  Just let me know you’re alright “  it’s definitely Tyler, his angry-scared voice sounding muffled by the door between the two men. “ I’m calling an ambulance “ he states and makes Josh nervously jump

“ No ! “ he calls out and hugs his knees close to his chest “ I don’t need ambulance “ Josh mumbles and closes his eyes.

“ How do I know you’re not hurt or something ? You’ve been acting so weird lately, Josh and I’ve been worried sick about you. And now you’ve locked yourself in the bathroom all morning “  Tyler insists and makes Josh close his eyes even tighter.

“ Morning ? “ he asks and feels his mouth absolutely dry

“ Yeah it’s morning, Josh. And we have a photoshoot and an interview in about half an hour. Will you tell me what’s going on with you ? “  

Feeling defensive, Josh sniffles and looks around for clues of what he has been doing last night. A syringe lies abandoned close to the sink and droplets of blood paint the tiles next to it. His right leg, where he injected meth last night also has dried blood all over it. Fuck. _Fuck._

Shuffling around, he grabs the needle and throws it away in the garbage can, then tears some of the toilet paper off and wipes the floor with it.  When he gets up to unlock the door he accidently spots himself in the mirror that hangs above the sink and what he sees makes his heart stop.

His cheekbones are so visible it looks like he hasn’t eaten in days. Which is basically true, because the drugs have the awful side effect of killing his appetite and leaves him nauseous for days.  His eyes are sunken and look hallow, almost empty of content even though they are still warm and brown. It’s not color they are lacking though. It’s life. They look lifeless. He looks lifeless. Oh God.

Barely containing his panic, Josh moves away from the mirror and stumbles down to the door where Tyler is standing nervously , with both hands on his head. When the bathroom door opens he looks up and his expression goes from worried, to shocked , to scared.

“Oh my God, Josh. “ he whispers and pulls his friend into a tight  hug. Josh doesn’t expect it , so he has no time to react. And thank God for that, because if he did, he’d probably push his friend away like a rabid animal.  “ What have you done to yourself ? Josh what did you do ? “ Tyler keeps asking, altering between hugging the drummer and pulling away to look at his face.

“Nothing, Ty “Josh mumbles , but the tears stream down his face and speak for him instead. “I’m sorry “ he rushes to apologize , but he doesn’t know what he’s sorry for ;  for lying to Tyler about being addicted to drugs, for hiding the truth about what happened to him or for scaring the hell out of him by locking himself in the bathroom.  “I didn’t mean to scare you, Ty “

“It’s okay. I just want to help you , okay ? Whatever’s happening to you, I can help. Just talk to me, please , Josh “ Tyler pleads and makes Josh weep even harder. Because God, he _wants_  to tell his best friend about the horror he’s been living in for the past months, but he has no idea how to formulate it into words.

“I … I , I’ll be okay “ Josh manages to say in between sobs “Just please don’t leave me. “ the sudden fear of being all alone and having to face all of this pain by himself makes him want to fall down to his knees and beg Tyler not to leave.  “I promise I’ll get better, just please, please don’t leave “

Taken aback by Josh’s sudden over emotional state Tyler hugs him even tighter “ What are you talking about ?  I will never leave you, do you hear me ? I’m right here. I’ll be right here and I’ll help you with whatever’s you’re going through , okay ? “

And God does Josh need help. He’s a mess; lost, confused and hurting badly, he feels completely and utterly alone.

“ I’ll call Mark and tell him to call all the promo off for today “ Tyler states when Josh stops crying so hard and reduces to shaking. When he tries to protest, the singer shushes him “ You need rest, sleep and food. No photoshoots, no performances, no stress for you until you feel better, okay ? “  All Josh can do is nod.

They go to Tyler’s hotel room where the singer puts Josh to bed and wraps him up in soft blankets.  He asks no more questions and leaves Josh to rest, but they all hang in the air like a guillotine above the drummer’s head. He knows that Tyler has sensed the change in him and how could he not ? It’s surprising he’d been so quiet for so long.  Josh tries to figure out a way to explain his terrible state and why he broke down like that in his friend’s hands or why he locked himself up in the bathroom , but literally nothing sensible comes to his mind. The nagging feeling of being too sober for comfort isn’t helping either, occupying his mind with the thought of getting high again. _Not during the day_ Josh tells himself , but the need to not feel is so strong he can’t fucking take it.  Meth is good to get high , because it lasts longer than crack or cocaine, but the hangover that follows is devastating.  His skin itches, mouth dries, eyes hurt and stomach cramps. It’s scary how he literally can’t live without the fucking thing in his system.

This needs to stop, Josh thinks , holding onto his stomach that cramps and twists so bad he wants to scream.  This needs to stop until it gets completely out of control.  Isn’t it already out of control though ?  He’s been taking meth every day for the past month and the month before was the same only with crack and pot. What’s next ? Heroine ? That thought makes him even more sick and forces the tears right back into his eyes.

He’s such a disappointment. Instead of seeking help and getting through it, he’s sinking deeper and deeper with each day. His abilities to play during the demanding live shows is also affected , because he’s either too ecstatic and erratic to hit the right beats or too tired and apathic to even bother trying.  Tyler is the one carrying the show on his own shoulders while Josh drowns in his self-pity.  God he hates himself so much he wants to slit his own throat.

There are two choices for him.  Getting clean or dying. That’s it. There’s no inbetween.

Getting clean would mean facing his demons and living with the truth that he was raped. Facing that truth every day, sober and aware of the pain that brings every memory of that night .

That sounds worse than death.

Everything sounds worse than death right now.

Josh stops thinking.

Three’s a pill in the pocket of his jeans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this was heavy


	8. Crawling in my skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't do drugs kids

Josh spends the entire day in bed, pretending to be asleep while Tyler and Mark come into his room every once in a while to throw him a worried glance and check on him.  He’s shaking so hard the bed could be squeaking , but Josh wouldn’t hear it anyway because of the buzzing noise in his ears. He’s hot one minute and cold the next one, awake and aware one moment and absolutely out of it the next one.

At some point Tyler approaches him and asks him if he needs anything, if there’s anything he can do for Josh, but the drummer wraps himself tighter in the blanket and shakes his head. _You can pass me a pill or two of ecstasy, that will help,_ Josh thinks and shakes his head again.  

He’s out of it for a while and when he wakes up the pain in his stomach has turned into absolute agony.  He cries out, clutching the sheets underneath his body to relief some of the unbearable pain, but it doesn’t help.  His stomach and chest feel like someone spilled acid in there that eats his insides away.

Not even 5 seconds later Tyler bursts through the door and rushes to Josh’s bed.

“Josh ?  Hey, are you okay ? What’s going on ?  “ another howl of pain comes out of his throat instead of an answer which makes Tyler panic further. “ Josh ? Fuck man, tell me what’s wrong ? Did you take something ? “ 

_No, I didn’t and that’s the fucking problem,_ Josh wants to scream , but talking is absolutely out if the question.  He can’t see what Tyler is doing through his tightly squeezed eyes, but he hears his friend dial a number on his phone.

“ Hello ? I need an ambulance. My friend is not doing well and I don’t know what to do. “  at this point he doesn’t even care if they take him to the hospital , as long as the pain stops so he doesn’t protest.

The conversation lasts for a couple of minutes, but Josh doesn’t understand any of it. There’s something inside of him that tries to claw its way out and this time it’s not light.  It’s something ugly and disgusting and painful , tearing his insides with every breath he takes.

He’s aware that he’s making noises, but it’s difficult to tell whether he’s screaming or whispering, or simply grunting.  _I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, this is it, this is the end_  Josh thinks and flails his limbs around, looking for Tyler. He doesn’t want to die alone.

When his fingers wrap around a piece of fabric he squeezes them, holding on so tightly there’s a risk he might tear it apart.  But he doesn’t care, all he cares about is not feeling alone, because that’s how he’s been feeling since that fucking night months ago.

“ Josh, it’s okay , you’re not going to die, you’re going to be alright “  Tyler’s shaking voice is somewhere near him and a hand wraps tightly around his shoulders.  “ I’m not going anywhere, it’s okay “  Josh must be babbling something out, because Tyler keeps reassuring him that he’s going to be all right until the ambulance arrives.

When they move him off the bed and onto the stretcher Tyler doesn’t let go of his sweaty hand and keeps telling him he’s not going to die.  Mark is there too, saying he’ll call their manager and tell him to meet them at the hospital.

When they get to the ambulance someone injects him something that relaxes his body to the point of numbness.  He stops shaking and his fingers finally let go of Tyler’s shirt or whatever he was holding in his fist.

His heart rate goes to somewhat normal level, but his body still feels like it’s about to fall apart every moment. His stomach is squeezed into a painful ball and breathing is difficult, but the pain is no longer unbearable.

Slowly, his body unwinds and by the time they get to the hospital Josh can barely stay awake. He doesn’t want to fall asleep though, still scared he won’t wake up. The last thing that crosses his mind before the last bits of light leave his mind is that he will never take drugs again.

Then everything goes black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably nobody reads this at this point, but hell it's a good way to vent so yeah


	9. I disguise and I will lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to keep the chapters shorter but this topic kind of requires details so yeah. Prepare for a long ride kids.

He’s cold when he emerges from the dark pit of unconsciousness.  It feels like he’s been swimming in a very dark and very cold water that somehow got into his bloodstream and took away his warmth. Nobody is holding his hand anymore and the absence of that little comfort makes Josh’s heart ache.

Tyler.

Oh fuck.

The thought of his best friend finding out about his addiction sobers him up a little, sending sparks of pain up and down his body. Is he angry at Josh ? Does he hate him ? Is he upset ? Will he even want to look at the drummer ever again ? Probably not. And why would he ? Tyler deserves someone better, someone who’s not damaged and torn apart like Josh.  He has every right to be angry and disappointed and Josh would understand if he left.

The room is empty when Josh opens his eyes and his stomach drops. He was hoping that at least Mark would stay , but the emptiness of the room speaks volumes. He feels alone.

It’s the first time he experienced such drastic bout of withdrawal , probably because his body has gotten too used to the presence of the drug. Either way, Josh never _ever_ wants to experience that ever again. Surprisingly enough he didn’t die, but it surely felt like he was going to and that really impacted him in a big way. How would Tyler feel if he had to watch Josh die in his arms ? How horrifying would that be ?

Somehow he’s even colder now, frozen by the thought of ruining so many lives just because he’s fucking weak and can’t pull his shit together.  He needs to get hold of his life before things got out of control.

He wants to quit drugs, he really does , but if one day without them was such a hell how is he going to survive an entire week ? A month ?  Only I f Tyler was there to help him through it, Josh thinks and tears rush out of his eyes and down his cheeks.  He doesn’t deserve Tyler ., he doesn’t deserve friends, he will be all alone and he’ll probably die alone in some dark alley and now he’s crying even harder and ….  A door pushes open and someone walks in quietly, making Josh jump and pull the sheet up to his face to wipe it.

“ Josh ? Oh thank God, you’re awake ! “ it’s Mark , who makes his way to Josh’s bed so quickly he almost trips over the small chair standing next to the hospital table.  “ You were out cold for like two days man “ his friend’s face looks relieved and happy, no trace of the hatred and anger Josh was expecting .

“ Mark  ? “ is all Josh manages to say before the latter wraps him in a tight hug, careful not to unhook any of the tubes that stick out of the drummer’s body. “ You’re here ! “

“ Of course I’m here dummy. Where do you think I’ll be when one of my best friends is in freaking coma “

“ I thought you wouldn’t want to see me “ Josh admits , refusing to look Mark in the eyes when they separate. “ And .. Tyler ? “  he’s scared to ask if his friend is there too, because if he’s not that will completely break him.

“ He’s talking to the doctor. I’ll tell him you’re awake “ Mark reports and stands up from bed, leaving Josh  shaking with anticipation

 So Tyler didn’t leave him after all. That gives him a huge wave of relief , but that doesn’t mean that his friend isn’t angry with him. It takes about 5 minutes for the door to open again and Tyler’s worried, but happy face to appear in the crack. 

The singer sighs so loud it almost sounds like a woosh of air leaving a ventilation system.  Two more seconds and Josh is in Tyler’s warm and so familiar embrace , trying not to break down crying from all the feelings raging in his chest. Gratitude, love, appreciation, shame, fear, guilt. They all mix together and once again make his body shake.

“ Why, Josh ? “  it’s an expected question, but Josh has no answer for it.  Why _did_ he start using drugs ? To forget ? To stop hating himself ? To pretend he’s the same ?

“ Why didn’t you say something ? I could’ve helped you. _We_ could’ve helped you “ Tyler says and the hurt in his voice is so stark it makes Josh want to shrink into a the bed and never show up again. He knows he’s wrong about keeping all of it to himself, because he knows that if the roles were reversed , he would be very hurt too.

“I’m sorry “ 

“ But why ? Why drugs, man ? You’ve never even gotten properly drunk in your life… I just don’t get where this came from “  Tyler says with no trace of anger in his voice. Just confusion and frustration. Josh stares at his hands that fiddle with the soft blanket and wonders if maybe this is the right moment to admit what happened and come clean. The fact that he was attacked and got hurt would explain why he needed drugs. Telling the truth could set him free. But it could also shatter him.

“ When did you start using ? “ Tyler asks before Josh can come up with an answer

“ A few months ago “ Josh says so quietly he’s not sure his friend even heard him. “ I …. I didn’t know it was going to get so bad Ty. I just needed to get away “ he struggles with words, because it’s so difficult talking about this.

“ Get away from what, Josh ? Was your life so bad that you needed to get high to get away from it ? “ Tyler’s voice is a couple of notches higher now which means he’s getting upset and not for no reason.  Josh tries to imagine what would it be like if Tyler was in coma for two days and turned out be using fucking hard drugs.

“ Everything was…. It was just messed up.  I only tried once, just to see if it’s going to help and I can’t stop since then. “ Josh says, still avoiding eye contact.  Tyler can probably sense that his friend isn’t telling him the truth, but he only sighs

“ You should’ve told me, man. We’re best friends, right ? I mean I wouldn’t be angry at you or whatever. I’m actually more angry at myself for not noticing something’s happening with you. “

“ I know , Ty. I’m sorry. Life just got really crazy and … and I guess I got carried away. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I guess I was ashamed to admit it “  Josh says and looks up at Tyler for the first time since he woke up. He looks sad and tired, like the whole weight of the world rests on his shoulders. There’s no anger or blame in the way he looks at Josh, just deep sadness.

“ I’m actually more angry at myself for being too blind to notice something’s wrong “ Tyler says and puts his hand on Josh’s shaking one “ I want to help you , just let me do it okay ? Let me help you “

Josh accepts the offered help and spend the next couple of days at the hospital talking to Tyler, Mark and the rest of their team about his drug addiction. He decides to that if he’s going to get rid of drugs he will need all the help he can get, so he tells everything.  How many shots of meth he would give himself every day. How many pills of ecstasy he would take before every show in order to have energy to perform after all the nights in a row with no sleep. How he could not stand a single day without taking _something_ because it felt like he would die if he didn’t. 

The only thing he kept to himself was the reason why he couldn’t stand being sober. Why he couldn’t stand being _himself_. Why being high and drunk was his only relief. He never told anyone about it.

Tyler knows him enough to notice he’s hiding something, but he doesn’t push. He’s too focused on trying to help Josh get out of the prison of drug addiction and is probably scared to push too much seeing how fragile Josh is.

And he is fragile. His sanity is hanging on a very thin thread that threatens to give way under the pressure of looking like he’s doing okay.  It turns out to be a lot more difficult than Josh expected. Of course he’s heard of withdrawal and what that might bring , but God,  he was not ready for the unbearable _hunger_ that tears at his insides every minute of every day.  There’s no other way to describe that feeling of need that haunts him day and night and turns his life into living hell.

Josh doesn’t show it though. He actually finds out he has become very good at pretending he’s okay.  When he leaves the hospital they have a conversation about the remaining dates of their tour and whether to cancel them or give It a go. They all agree that it’s better to keep playing, because going home won’t really help anyone, especially Josh. While on tour they can keep a closer eye on him , or so they believe. The truth is that nobody knows what a fucking storm is raging inside the drummer’s body and how destructive it might be. Josh doesn’t even know it himself.

It takes him a week before the hunger starts eating him inside. It’s unlike anything he’s ever felt and the feeling is so strong it drives him insane.  The only thing that keeps his mind off the need to take something is playing music and Josh is endlessly grateful for the fact that they didn’t cancel the tour.

But when the show is done and the lights go out, that’s when the real struggle starts.  He desperately doesn’t want to take drugs , but it’s too quiet and silence gives him space to think , to feel , to remember things he doesn’t want to remember. It seems like the withdrawal makes the memories of being hurt and humiliated even more stark and unbearable.  The flashbacks are detailed and happen so often , they completely disarm him.

With no defense and no way to escape the pain inside, Josh finds his way back to drugs.

Little does he know things are about to get a lot worse.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will not have a happy ending , so if you're expecting one you will be disappointed.  
> I'll say this as kind of a side note , that Josh's case is very real. Whenever I write fics I draw inspiration from real life stories and let me tell you - stories that involve heavy drug use and addiction almost never have happy endings. This one is as real as it gets.

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably stop, but I know that I won't


End file.
